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My chair just tried to dismember me!!!

Quit laughing! Yes it did!


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 18th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
It's jealous; you have been sitting in another chair again! i told you that it would never work out with you being poly and your chair being monogomous!
Oct. 19th, 2005 04:51 am (UTC)
But that's just it! This is the new chair! I've only had it for about a week, and haven't sat in my old chair since I've gotten it! My cow-orkers have made light of it (it's much more elegant than my previous spartan "kneeling chair" with no back or arms) because it's flashy and comfortable, but I've defended her^H^H^Hits honor quite vocally.

I thought things were going so well, too!
Oct. 18th, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
i'll just keep laughing if it's all the same to you
Oct. 19th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC)
Oh I'll give you what for, buddy! Just as soon as my feet grow back!
Oct. 19th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
maybe christine was trying to hint that it's time to start getting the next generation of cybernetics that my evil organization is developing. oh wait i shouldn't have said that, oh crap here comes the goon squad again. i'll see you after my latest bout of reprogramming
Oct. 19th, 2005 07:37 am (UTC)
I'll bite: what method did the chair employ? - ZM
Oct. 19th, 2005 08:47 am (UTC)
Oh drat! I knew somebody was gonna ask!

Okay, this is a little hard to explain, but I'll try. First let me describe the chair a bit. It's got the "seat part" (I believe that's the industry term for "where your butt goes"), with arms and a back and 3 little levers that control height , back support, and who knows what else (I think it summons hurricanes). This sits on top of a post (with a pneumatic cylinder for height adjustment), from the bottom of which protrude 5 mostly-horizontal spokes which have casters at the ends.

When I'm sitting in the chair I usually have my legs curled underneath the seat, with my feet wedged behind two of the spokes. The tops of my feet and toes rest against the spokes, and I kinda perch in the chair ('cuz I'm just a perchy kinda person. Maybe I was a bird in a past life. :-) ).

Now, you have to realize that this chair came into my possession by dubious means. Namely, I scavenged it from an abandoned wing of the building in the middle of the night. It was sitting in the middle of an otherwise empty area, majestic and regal in its red and black splendor and completely out of place in the otherwise drab environment. This is not the kind of chair that one simply abandons when they leave The Company. There had to be a story behind it. In retrospect, I think I've pieced some of it together, and it's not pretty.

I should've known better, 'cuz it's not like there weren't warning signs that this was the office furniture equivalent of Christine. The color scheme, for instance, is ideal for concealing the blood stains of its victims. Further, when I found it there was nothing else within arms reach of it. Nothing- as if it had already consumed everything within striking range. Finally (and I smack myself in the head for not noticing this earlier), there are scratch marks in the left arm rest, as if a previous sitter were suddenly overcome with shock and pain, and dug their fingers into the cushy pad.

Okay, so how did it actually try to make me its next meal? As I was luxuriating in its comfortable majesty, little did I realize that, ever so slowly, the chair was lowering itself. Eventually it dropped to the point where as I spun around my right heel hit the height adjustment lever, causing the seat to drop down in an attempt to pin my feet against the spokes and then snap them off at the ankle. I have little doubt that, thus immobilized, I would've made an easy meal for this plush predator. I have no doubt that only my caffeine-boosted reflexes and proximity to a desk to lean on kept me from becoming a double amputee and late night snack, and only the fact that I was alone kept me from looking like a complete idiot cursing at my chair.

Sadly, despite its clearly malevolent intentions towards me, I just can't give the thing up. It's just so damn comfortable! Maybe if I bring it the occasional sacrifice it'll allow me to continue to enjoy its unearthly comfort without devouring me...

I think I'll call it Christine.
Oct. 19th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
I knew I added you to my Friends list for a reason. :)

Might I suggest remote controls for sacrifices? - ZM
Oct. 19th, 2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
*bounces* :-)
Oct. 19th, 2005 01:04 pm (UTC)
Christine would like York peppermint patties and fudge as sacrifices. Daily!
Oct. 19th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
I dunno, I'm not very good at sharing peppermAAAAAAARRRGH!!! YOUR ICON!!! THE CUTENESS!!! IT BURNS!!!!!
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )