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Inhuman Resource

Right now, somewhere in the world, someone is staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. The person behind the trigger is angry, or afraid, or possibly just 'doing his duty', but the outcome is inevitable, and likely to happen before I finish this entry. The person on the wrong end of the gun is filled with terror or resignation, knowing that their life- their future- their existence- is about to come crashing to an end in a Tarantino-esque tableau.

I am not that person.

Somewhere the worst thing imaginable has just happened. Whether it's because of a car accident in the States, an industrial accident in North Korea, or whatever, the most important person in the world to someone was just mortally wounded in front of their eyes. There's nothing they can do now but sit with their stricken wife, husband, lover, or child, helplessly watching their suffering as life drains from their body. The anguish they must feel, the terrible knot in their stomach, as the center of their world slips away from them is unimaginable.

I am not that person.

My brain is in no imminent danger of leaving my skull and becoming modern art on the wall, and my loved ones are all safe and secure. I am neither of these people, but I can learn something important from both of them- perspective.

Either of these semi-fictitious people would give anything to switch places with me. They understand what real problems are, what true loss is. I keep reminding myself that my worries are laughable by comparison.

I'd intended to post about our vacation today, but I'm distracted by what greeted me upon my return to work today. Today I learned that, in all likelihood, my job (and indeed our entire department) probably won't exist in a year. When the hammer falls we'll most likely have 60 days notice, which I guess is pretty good overall.

This is the first real job I've ever had. It's been 8 1/2 years since I stumbled into The Company, and despite its occasional hellish nature (I'm on call as of today, and also covering for a co-worker who's on vacation, so I'm wearing three beepers and two cell phones) it's a pretty good gig (last year notwithstanding). The pay is better than what I'm likely to find anywhere else, the vacation is great, it's close to home, and I get to play with Macs from time to time.

So I'm scared. I have absolutely no idea how to actually get a job, let alone one that doesn't wreck our financial situation or make me want to kill people. The market is flooded with out of work IT drones with certifications coming out of their butts who've never heard of job security. I have expenses that I couldn't easily give up (mortgage and car payment), and I'm currently taking on another that I'm simply not willing to give up (Alcor, and the associated life insurance).

I spoke with femetal briefly, and I'm feeling a bit better. I have possible options for continuing my corporate servitude with The Company, but I feel as if I've got one foot in the grave already.

Plus, it's almost midnight and I've still got work to do, but at least I have a pulse and love.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 27th, 2004 07:13 am (UTC)
This is the universe telling you to take the Smoosh and move to Boston. Seriously. Please? There is lots of work in Boston and it pays better and I don't think they have that auto-autopsy law and it's cold and it's overrun with impossibly cool people and house values have gone up in Florida and and and


See? You don't need to think about death to gain perspective. What about ME? I'm losing the 4 of you :(
Apr. 29th, 2004 08:03 am (UTC)
I know it is much easier to give advice than to take it, but for what it's worth, worrying is a horrid waste of time, and time is precious. I applaud your sense of perspective, even if the expression of it was somewhat morose. :) You've got all the important stuff in life, the rest will take care of itsself eventually. Hang in there.
May. 2nd, 2004 04:53 pm (UTC)
I understand your concerns. Since my departure from The Company two years ago I haven't been able to get another equivalent position. I haven't been able to fully use my skill set in the positions that I have held since then, and accordingly haven't been able to get the same pay or benefits either. At this point I wonder how many more years it's going to take me to get back to the position equivalent that I had with The Company right out of college.

I think that's it's really good that you've realized what matters most. You have loving partners to support you, and I trust that you will find a way to manage as you need to.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )