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An Immodest Proposal

Call in the Vogon constructor fleet, 'cuz I've just figured out the solution to all of our socioeconomic woes. And just as Douglas Adams predicted, nobody needs to get nailed to anything. I do need some help hammering out the details though, which is why I'm coming to all of you.

The epiphany came when phyrra made a post about the current tax structure, and inequities thereof. It's an argument that's come up before- "the rich are getting absurd tax breaks" vs "well, they were paying more to begin with" yadda yadda yadda. I can see both sides, and have decided that the problem isn't the tax structure. It's more fundamental than that. The problem is with our entire currency system, both on paper and in the way we think about it.

I have a solution. I call it
Yes, I'm proposing replacing our varied units of currency world-wide with pornography.

But Datan0de, you dumbass, what would that do to the economy???
Well, aside from making me fabulously wealthy overnight, it would make the economy less uptight and structured, and a hell of a lot more fun. What I propose is a simple shift of the basis of our economic value system from pieces of paper to something with actual value, like pieces of paper with pictures of Angelina Jolie naked.

But Datan0de, you ignorant turd, currency based on intrinsic value went out with the gold standard!
I'd argue that it went out long before then. Gold is kinda pretty, and useful in semiconductors, but I'd argue that it has little actual intrinsic value. It doesn't taste particularly good, it's not fun to play with, and it doesn't make me horny. Where's the value there?

Besides, people are too wrapped up in interest rates, capital gains taxes, stock dividends, and other things that any person with a soul would find as interesting as counting grains of sand at the beach. With porn, you get all the trade utility of money with the added benefit of something that's actually worth having!

What, like the barter system?
The old barter system only works in small geographic areas. Most barter items are too cumbersome to trade on a global scale. Porn would be the barter system for the 21st century. It readily lends itself to electronic transfer, or could be done through hard copy. [*snicker*]

Doofus! Wouldn't the easy replication of porn devalue it?
Yes, but in this case that's not necessarily a bad thing. For example, Paris Hilton's camera phone pix would be a hot item at first, but once they got around and people realized that they're rather tame the market would adjust accordingly. This prevents someone from effectively trading the same porn over and over ad infinitum.

But Datan0de, you pompous dork, how would Bill Gates remain the richest man in the world when people like Misty Mundae and Jenna Jameson can just keep cranking out your new "money"?
He wouldn't. However, he still owns a large interest in a major corporation, so his wealth isn't going to completely evaporate overnight. It'll just naturally tend to shift to Misty Mundae, where it more rightly belongs.

But Datan0de, you mindless twit, our banking institutions can't switch from dollars to nudie pix!
That's fine. They'll simply be replaced by the porn infrastructure that's already in place. Go ahead and replace the US Mint with Vivd video! I don't know about you, but personally I trust The Hun a whole lot more than I trust Alan Greenspan, and ipostnaked.com has done a lot more for me than my local bank branch, so this can only be a good thing.

But Datan0de, you drooling moron, how would you handle exchange rates between countries?
That's the beauty of it. It's self-regulating. You see, not everyone likes the same porn. Standardizing on a less rigid (no pun intended) system would result in exchange rates following more natural lines than arbitrary geographic boundaries. It'd be localized by social groups, and even by individual. For example, I love amateur porn, and in particular porn involving people I know personally. So to me, getting to see my friends' naughty bits is worth more than some random starlet on the `Net. In India there's probably a preference for Indian porn. In the gay community there's a preference for gay porn. Etc., etc., etc.... So each group, aligned by interest rather than location, has more to offer it's own members. It's almost a tariff of sorts, only a fair one. This also has the beneficial side effect of turning even the most trivial of financial transactions into an opportunity to learn more about each other and broaden our personal horizons.

But Datan0de, you ignorant fucktard, not everyone likes porn!
This is well beyond my ability to comprehend, but that's okay. A 4 GB Chasey Lain video might not do it for you, but I'll bet someone you shop from would. As long as it's of value to someone you shop from then it's worth having.

This would also avoid a lot of needless domestic strife. "No, honey! The 40 gigs of lesbian sex aren't for me- they're the mortgage payment!" It's brilliant! And for people like me, whose primary time wasters are the earning of a paycheck and the accumulation of porn, it simplifies our lives by merging these two goals together.

But Datan0de, you close-minded buffoon, porn is sinful in many religions!
True, but those same religions tend to teach that money is the root of all evil, too. Now they can put their money where their mouth is (so to speak).

But Datan0de, you lascivious porn-monger, wouldn't people eventually get bored with it?
Sure, some people would, but how does that differ from inflation? It'd raise the bar on our porn, resulting in continuous improvement of the product. How can that be bad?

But Datan0de, you short-sighted ignoramus, under your system people would be encouraged to make and trade porn all the time! We'd be inundated with it!
Exactly! Ain't it great?



( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 7th, 2005 01:38 pm (UTC)
I like this system, but we'd have to get around decency laws in order to give kids their allowances?

Could also suck if you have a stock pile of Angelina Jolie, and your mortgage company only takes Susan Sarandon.
Jun. 7th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)
Wow. Angelina Jolie and Susan Sarandon. That'd be worth at least a car payment! *DROOL!*
Jun. 7th, 2005 01:51 pm (UTC)
You are not a fucktard
on a less rigid (no pun intended) system...

And if you are going to be punny, own up to it!

I like your system. I could become the second richest woman in America (after Angelina Jolie) of course, just by controlling the release of the four billion pics MJ has of me. Hell, I've got a CD from 2001 that could make me comfortably well off!
Jun. 7th, 2005 02:01 pm (UTC)
Re: You are not a fucktard
Oh my. You don't want to leave wealth like that just laying around. Maybe you should just let me keep it stored safely for you. I'll make sure that nobody (else) has access to it. 8-)...
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 8th, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)
You already know the answer to that. :-)
Jun. 7th, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
I'd be filthy, stinking rich...I love it!

Can I work at a mint? ;-)
Jun. 8th, 2005 07:01 am (UTC)
Put your resume in the stack with the others! :-)
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:12 am (UTC)
I love that you agree that Misty Mundae should own the world. That woman rocks my socks... and various other things, too.

My question becomes, how to handle fetish porn... they are such specialized niche markets that they would either be exceptionally valuable or devalued into obscurity. It's a very discerning consumer that would value an OTK spanking over the humdrum suck-n-fuck. How does your system handle that sort of thing?
Jun. 8th, 2005 07:33 am (UTC)
I so agree! femetal first turned me on to Misty Munday (so to speak). After Mummy Raider we were hooked. Pity she doesn't do harder stuff. For that matter, pity she doesn't do private parties...

Two things regarding fetish porn.
1) I think that the market is larger than you think. Then again, my perspective may be skewed by the fact that most of my circle of friends is a bunch of pervs. (Yay!)
2) The market may be smaller, but for those to whom it appeals it carries a higher value. This roughly balances out, and goes along with the "exchange rates" idea.
3) (Yeah, I know I said 'two things'. I lied.) As the market gets flooded with "Plastic Bimbo and Testosterone Poster Boy do the Old In/Out" porn, its value will gradually decline. People will be curious about novel new porn frontiers, or at least be looking to take things to the next level. Thus, the value again evens out, and for the first time in human history money is the driver of social change in a way that doesn't involve killing people! :-)

By the way, I know it's off topic, but since I have your attention I'm dying to know- have we met? We've crossed paths on LJ before, and looking at your profile it seems that we should know each other, but neither Kim nor I have been able to suss out if we've met you IRL. Just wondering, and if it should be blatantly obvious to me ("Yeah we've met, dumbass- you've woken up naked at my house twice!" or anything like that) then I apologize for my ignorance. :-)
Jun. 8th, 2005 07:51 am (UTC)
I so agree! femetal first turned me on to Misty Munday (so to speak). After Mummy Raider we were hooked.

I first found her in Playmate of the Apes, and then Lord of the G-String and Spiderbabe. Haven't seen Mummy Raider yet, although I've heard of it.

Pity she doesn't do harder stuff. For that matter, pity she doesn't do private parties...

Definite agreement on both points. Softcore is fine as far as it goes, but she could go so much farther IMO if she broadened her scope a bit.

Two Three things regarding fetish porn.

That does make some level of sense, but then again, there is a large segment of the population that I believe wouldn't stray from their comfort zone no matter how overdone a topic is -- just look at the cookie-cutter shows being cranked out on any of the networks and try to contain the sense of deja-vu (or would that be deja-view?).

By the way, I know it's off topic, but since I have your attention I'm dying to know- have we met?

I'm pretty sure we met briefly at a PolyTampa meeting some months ago. I had felt rather uncomfortable at the last one I went to because it was in the middle of the Franklin/Kelly/Shelly unpleasantness (which should give you an idea of the timeframe), and I haven't been to another meeting since. Beyond that, though, no, we haven't really "hung out" or anything.
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:51 am (UTC)
This reminds me of the John Cheese article where the questioner is calling him a rancid sentient ham statue by the end..
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:52 am (UTC)
Crap.. actually that was actually a David Wong article. I so need to have his babies.
Jun. 9th, 2005 06:47 am (UTC)
Love the article!
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 8th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC)
A B S O L U T E L Y !!!

Listening is a great form of voyeurism, and hence a valuable contribution to the Porn Economy. In addition to those who are aurally-stimulated, it allows the visually-impared to fully participate in this wonderful new system! :-)

And just to celebrate, I think I'm gonna go listen to that file right now...
Jun. 10th, 2005 03:06 am (UTC)
I like it!
I like the idea, but only if I can be in control of the hentai mint - just because of the possibilities of animated porn and the sick and twisted minds of the sadly repressed Far East cultures - I gotta know what they'll come up with next!

I say that...and I don't watch much hentai...does that make me hypocritical?

I also would like to vote on Angelina Jolie's newd loins on the most ubiquitous bill - the $1. Permeate my world with her nakedness, make me see her everytime I buy bottled water, she can never be de-valued in my eyes...will always be tops...pun intended.

OK...back to work for me.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )