So very, very much.
This year taught me how much I am loved, who's truly on my side, and that there are people I can count on when I need them most. A lot of them. This year also saw a strengthening and repair of many of the relationships in my life, at exactly the time when it was needed most. I can't hope to do justice to the thanks I owe, but here's a start.
I cannot find the words to express how grateful I am for the Horde. They literally saved my life, and that was just the beginning. They've shown me incredible patience and boundless love and kindness. They've supported me in darkest hours, helped me begin to put my pieces back together, and continue to put up with my crazy PTSD shit when I lose my mind. They were also patient and understanding when my energies were focused on other relationships, and more recently when they've been directed inward. I know I've been super needy, loves. Thank you for being here for me. I've never felt closer to you all than I do right now.
The Horde has kept me alive, and my friends add color to my world. They bring fun, love, additional shoulders to cry on/bitch to, and much needed distraction. From the Beer Knight crew to the peeps I mostly interact with online, you guys are my extended family and my larger support network, and your presence and camaraderie are a true treasure. I've changed more as a person in the last year than at any other time of my life, but here you still are! I need to spend more time with you all, and need to spend less of that time being emo and withdrawn. :-)
My Bio Family
I get along well with my bio family, but hadn't felt especially close to them in a long time. When things went bad though, they showed their colors and made it clear that time and distance don't diminish love & importance. My dad came to visit me in the hospital, my sister and I spoke for the first time in almost a year, and my mom called daily, starting a dialogue between us that's still ongoing. She'd suffered a similar recent loss, and our ability to commiserate has led us to open up and have deeper conversation than we've ever had in my life. All of this has been a marvelous and unexpected boon.
It has to be said. Patty has been a godsend (figuratively speaking, of course). To look back and remember that I initially resisted the idea of seeing a therapist seems almost comical. She's provided a safe venue and been an insightful guide for both mending my relationships within the Horde and for recognizing and navigating the minefield in my head. She does an amazing job of both being a sympathetic & impartial ear and calling me on my bullshit when it's warranted. I couldn't ask for more.
No, really. It's worth mentioning here, and the people who invented it should be nominated for sainthood. When The Crazy takes hold it can be brutal and incapacitatingly painful. Xanax shuts that shit down, and does it in a hurry. Having gotten experienced enough to know when my brain is heading for a panic attack, I can now take it prophylactically. I've been spared untold suffering because of it. I seldom need it anymore, but it's a relief just knowing that it's there.
Here's hoping for a less eventful year to come for us all!