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Closure

I suck at giving up - on people, on relationships, on dreams. That's not a "boast in disguise". I've suffered mightily for it, and lately the people I love have also. But when, finally, the last bit of hope is taken away, I can still be an optimist about life in general and about the future in particular.

It may not be the future I'd planned, the future I was working so hard to build, or the future I'd hoped for, but I am still the architect of my world, and I can make my world fucking awesome.

Doctor Who Optimist

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
zandperl
Sep. 14th, 2013 03:13 am (UTC)
You're a futurist. By definition you are hopeful and an optimist. :) There's always a better future available just over the horizon.

Good to see you back here, even if only briefly. LJ allows so much more in-depth thought/conversation than does Twitter. I'll admit Tw is so much easier though. :-P
datan0de
Sep. 14th, 2013 01:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :-) Over the last year, and the last three months in particular, I lost connection with that part of myself.

Sadder but wiser now (I hope), I'm an optimist again, though not in the same way I was before. I'd been letting life happen to me, deriving optimism from trust in the intentions, integrity, and kindness of those around me. That failed spectacularly, multiple times, and with ever-increasing consequences.

I'm trying not to let myself become jaded by the experience, but at the same time I'm shifting to a realization that partners (and people as a whole) are generally good, well-intentioned, and ethical, rather than depending upon a belief that they will always be so. I'm also getting back to a place where I'm the driver of my life instead of a passenger.

It still hurts - a lot, every day - and every indication is that it always will. But I'm adapting to my new understanding of reality, and discovering that I still have reasons to get up in the morning. Some of those reasons are truly amazing. :-)

(Sorry, didn't mean to get all introspective on you. I probably should've made this its own post, rather than a reply to you.)
zandperl
Sep. 16th, 2013 03:23 am (UTC)
*nods* I too prefer to assume good intentions. I'd rather be the sort of person who makes that assumption than the opposite, and as an added bonus I find that making that assumption often influences people sitting on the fence to *actually* act in well-intentioned ways. Of everything I learned in being a union leader, that's both the most underhanded manipulative thing, and also the most useful and generous thing at the same time.
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datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:25 am (UTC)
I'm glad you never gave up on me. :-)

Unfortunately, I don't think that this experience has made me stronger. Quite the opposite, actually. To carry your metaphor, I may now be built of better alloys, but metal fatigue has left me with permanent fragile points and stress fractures. I may be a kinder person when all is said and done, but I'm not a stronger one. Or a happier one.

Edited at 2013-09-17 02:25 am (UTC)
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datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:01 pm (UTC)
Wow... I... wow. This moved me to the edge of tears. Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough. >>ALL THE HUGS!!<<
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james_the_evil1
Sep. 14th, 2013 06:07 pm (UTC)
Stay strong man. I've given up, so you're already way ahead of me. :)
moonshadowdance
Sep. 16th, 2013 02:07 pm (UTC)
What they said! Hugs and love!
datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:26 am (UTC)
Hugs right back!! You are missed!
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )