January 30th, 2008

Ninja Burger Animated

Third party candidates never get a break...

Ultimate Ninja!

I voted in the primaries yesterday, and was surprised to run into my friend Ultimate Ninja at the polling center. (Yeah, that's his name. Humility is just about the only thing that ninjas aren't awesome at.) He seemed... a little down, which is unnerving in a ninja. Usually their emotions are along the lines of "intense anger", "intense grim determination", "intensely pumped up", "intensely killing you", or occasionally "calmly meditating". He was well behind me in line, but of course was done before I'd even signed in.

I was flattered that he waited for me, and doubly flattered that he wasn't waiting to kill me (yeah, we're friends, but c'mon- he is a ninja!). I asked him why he was so glum.

"Oh, it's just this whole election business," he sighed. "It's all so pointless for ninjas, like when you're fighting a regenerating 80-headed mega-hydra with a garrote. The heads just grow back faster than you can strangle them, you know?"

Of course I didn't, but I tried to be a good friend and nodded understandingly. "I think I know what you mean. None of the candidates are really ideal, so it's like choosing the one that's least unacceptable, right?"

"No no, it's not that at all," he replied. "The ninja candidate is clearly the best choice. His plans for economic revitalization, health care, Iraq, technology, education, social programs, and immigration are all flawless, easily implemented, and would eliminate the national debt by the end of his first term while restoring civil liberties and cutting taxes."

My jaw dropped. "Wait. There's a ninja running for president?!? I had no idea!"

"Hai, Datan0de-san. That's the problem," he said, his shoulders dropping almost imperceptibly. "He is ninja- a shadow warrior and a shadow statesman. His name is the whisper of the wind. His campaign poster is the sky itself. He is everywhere (except within 100 feet of any voting place), yet he is unseen. On the ballot, his name can only be seen by other ninjas."

I finally got it. "Oh, so it's like running as a Libertarian?"


We sat in gloomy silence for a while, contemplating our shared dissatisfaction. Later, as I pulled out of the parking lot, I suddenly noticed the breeze picking up. I stopped and listened for a moment, and bowed respectfully.
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