October 10th, 2006

Professor Membrane

Overengineering at its best!

On the advice of my dentist, I got a new toothbrush. It is truly a marvel of 21st Century technology.

No, really.

My new toothbrush is electric. It has a battery which can run for 12 hours continuously on a single charge.
My new toothbrush has two different timing systems.
My new toothbrush comes with an instruction manual. It needs it.
My new toothbrush has four different operating modes.
My new toothbrush lets me know if I'm pressing too hard.
My new toothbrush has two different types of interchangeable heads. It automatically knows which type is plugged in, and adjusts how it operates accordingly.
My new toothbrush has multiple buttons.
My new toothbrush partially flosses my teeth while it's brushing them.
My new toothbrush tells me when to switch to a different part of my mouth. It knows.
My new toothbrush has a multifunction liquid crystal display!
My new toothbrush supports thirteen different languages!!

I'm not kidding.

It's a toothbrush. You brush your fucking teeth with it.

I am no longer the decision maker in my oral hygiene. My sole purpose is to follow the toothbrush's instructions. If my teeth weren't firmly attached to the inside of my head I probably wouldn't need to be there at all.

It now takes me precisely two minutes to brush my teeth. Not one minute, fifty-nine seconds. Not two minutes and one second. Two minutes. It tells me when I'm done brushing my teeth, and gives me a little smiley face icon to let me know that I have served it well.

"Obey the Machine and reap the rewards of dental health!" It's like the Singularity has come to my mouth.
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