Eric (datan0de) wrote,

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Because I'll probably never again be able to say this...

Right now, right this very moment as I'm typing this, there's a scorpion in my mouth. Not just any scorpion, but a scorpion on a stick!! You know how anything is better with "on a stick" added to the description? I may have found an exception. You may have noticed that the M&M's people have never feared that scorpion on a stick will take their market share. There's a reason for this. This is gross!

A few observations:

* One does not eat a scorpion pop because one expects it to taste good. The makers clearly understand this, and so made little or no effort to make it palatable, concentrating instead on the pleasing presentation of their confection. In this too, they failed. (See pic in previous post.)

* Being encased in banana-flavored lollipop may improve the overall flavor, but the scorpion does not absorb any of the faux-banana goodness at all. It's like a flavor black hole, and the surrounding sweet taste just throws the dead crustacean taste into sharp contrast.

* The lollipop form factor also means that it's impossible to eat quickly. I don't think that the banana is a fair trade off. :-(

* Scorpions are not water-soluable. This means that no matter how much you lick a scorpion it doesn't get any smaller. You just have to bite and chew, or at least scrape with your teeth and chew.

* Looking at it every now and then brings two contrasting horrors. A) realizing that another part of it is gone B) realizing how much of it is still left.

* Pop quiz: You're at work, eating a dead animal on a stick when a bunch of people suddenly come into the room. What do you do? There's only one option that won't result in screaming, and that's to smile and pretend that the horrid thing in your mouth is so unbelievably delicious that you can't bear to take it out long enough to say hello. That's harder than you think!

When eating a scorpion at work, be sure you're someplace where you won't be disturbed.

There's a privileged class of people in the world- "those who have never eaten a scorpion". It is with more than a little horror that as I type this message I am leaving your cherished ranks and joining the smaller and more disreputable class of "those who have eaten a scorpion". Sadly, there's no way to un-eat a scorpion. Well okay, technically there is, and my stomach is trying very hard to persuade me to do just that, but what kind of glory is there in being able to say "I ate HALF of a scorpion"? ;-)

Okay, I'm going to stop typing now before I puke.
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