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Right now, right this very moment as I'm typing this, there's a scorpion in my mouth. Not just any scorpion, but a scorpion on a stick!! You know how anything is better with "on a stick" added to the description? I may have found an exception. You may have noticed that the M&M's people have never feared that scorpion on a stick will take their market share. There's a reason for this. This is gross!

A few observations:

* One does not eat a scorpion pop because one expects it to taste good. The makers clearly understand this, and so made little or no effort to make it palatable, concentrating instead on the pleasing presentation of their confection. In this too, they failed. (See pic in previous post.)

* Being encased in banana-flavored lollipop may improve the overall flavor, but the scorpion does not absorb any of the faux-banana goodness at all. It's like a flavor black hole, and the surrounding sweet taste just throws the dead crustacean taste into sharp contrast.

* The lollipop form factor also means that it's impossible to eat quickly. I don't think that the banana is a fair trade off. :-(

* Scorpions are not water-soluable. This means that no matter how much you lick a scorpion it doesn't get any smaller. You just have to bite and chew, or at least scrape with your teeth and chew.

* Looking at it every now and then brings two contrasting horrors. A) realizing that another part of it is gone B) realizing how much of it is still left.

* Pop quiz: You're at work, eating a dead animal on a stick when a bunch of people suddenly come into the room. What do you do? There's only one option that won't result in screaming, and that's to smile and pretend that the horrid thing in your mouth is so unbelievably delicious that you can't bear to take it out long enough to say hello. That's harder than you think!

When eating a scorpion at work, be sure you're someplace where you won't be disturbed.

There's a privileged class of people in the world- "those who have never eaten a scorpion". It is with more than a little horror that as I type this message I am leaving your cherished ranks and joining the smaller and more disreputable class of "those who have eaten a scorpion". Sadly, there's no way to un-eat a scorpion. Well okay, technically there is, and my stomach is trying very hard to persuade me to do just that, but what kind of glory is there in being able to say "I ate HALF of a scorpion"? ;-)

Okay, I'm going to stop typing now before I puke.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
nekidsteve
Apr. 13th, 2007 04:19 am (UTC)
now for the grasshopper.
datan0de
Apr. 13th, 2007 11:58 am (UTC)
Dude, you're welcome to it. I was pretty gung ho about the scorpion, but it turned out to be much more of a culinary ordeal than I'd expected. The cricket seems just as revolting, but without the "coolness payoff". If you want it, it's yours.

By the way, the cricket pop is actually the third one I've bought. I could never manage to bring myself to eat the other two, and the pops just sat around until they got all old, sticky, and gross(er). I figured that this time I'd definitely eat the thing, but that was before I realized how truly revolting the scorpion was.
james_the_evil1
Apr. 13th, 2007 05:10 am (UTC)
FYI, I've sold Tequila with a scorpion in it
They DO absorb Tequila
Makes them more palatable
datan0de
Apr. 13th, 2007 12:06 pm (UTC)
I think that absorbing gasoline would make them more palatable! Maybe they're just unusually resistant to absorbing candy flavors. Someone could probably get a grant to study that. Someone not me. :-)

Out of curiousity, what brand of Tequila? The Jurassic Park store also had lollipops with some kind of larvae in them that looked like agave worms.
my_affair
Apr. 13th, 2007 05:27 pm (UTC)
I can't believe...
*gasps to avoid the hurl reflex*

Oh golly, that's disgusting.

Though it does lead one to wonder...assuming candy, like other food goods, have to adhere to certain food grading standards...does this mean that there are a whole class of "edible insects" on the FDA approved lists? If so, I want to know who decided they were edible, so that I can take my aim at the proper projectile-peuking trajectory for a dead-on target hit.
datan0de
Apr. 15th, 2007 02:23 am (UTC)
Re: I can't believe...
Maybe it only needs to be classified as non-toxic? Clearly "taste" is not one of their criteria!
slartibart
Apr. 13th, 2007 07:16 pm (UTC)
Ironically, the cricket is sure to be delicious just out of spite for you thinking the scorpion was cooler. ;)
kismet76
Apr. 14th, 2007 01:48 pm (UTC)
Ugh - a scorpion...?
I thought about you while reading this site...

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

datan0de
Apr. 15th, 2007 02:22 am (UTC)
Re: Ugh - a scorpion...?
That made you think of me?? I assume you've never met tacit?

At Dragon*Con two years ago at the "Evil Geniuses For A Better Tomorrow" panel they read the Evil Overlord list, and had it a handout as well. Thanks for the reminder! :-)

*hug*
serina_ds
Sep. 12th, 2012 11:41 am (UTC)
Actually, even in 'normal' foods (tomato soup, mince pies, whatever) the FDA have a maximum amount of 'extra' stuff that is allowed, I believe. Stuff like bugs and insects and so forth. Not sure what the legal limit is on scorpion, though.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )