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I'd like to make it clear that my post last night about the fact that I no longer believe in God had nothing to do with the fact that we went to see Ultraviolet last night. I can easily see where one might assume a causal relationship between the two events, but I actually made the post before we went to the movie.

Yeah. It was pretty much that bad. It was not, however, completely without value. Just mostly.

Quick summary of the movie:
Pro:
* Milla's naked ass
* Interesting color filters a pleasant surreal look to everything
* The outdoor sets were visually interesting
* Soundtrack didn't suck
* Most of the special effects were good
* Printable cell phone- nifty idea
* Nifty font/written language
* Motorcycle chase on the side of a building hasn't been done before. Absurd but innovative
* Color-changing hair and costumes. Not innovative, but nice to look at
* phyrra probably has some 'con costume ideas
* Milla saying that she wants to "kill every single human being" would be a great sound sample

Con:
* 5 minutes after expressing her desire to exterminate humanity, her mission in life mysteriously switches to protecting this one human child whom she's never met before
* Kid seriously creeped me right the fuck out. I think he's related to Christopher Walken or a clown or something
* Every other single word spoken by every single character
* So, what? The motorcycle's windscreen is impervious to minigun rounds or something?
* Any scene that Milla wasn't in
* Just about all of the scenes that she was in
* OMG they stick needles IN HER FUCKING EYES!!! AIEEEEEEE!!!
* The plot, or lack thereof
* Opening the movie with a 20 page voiceover explaining what the plot is supposed to be
* The indoor sets were freakin' ridiculous
* Nowhere near enough naked Milla
* In the future, everyone is a freaking idiot!
* Bad guys with machine guns insisting on using them as melee weapons
* Bad guy uniforms so bulky that they waddle through martial arts scenes
* Later, big bad guy sends a squad with just swords to attack Milla, who is clearly using IDKFA.
* Big bad guy seriously needs to pull the plugs out of his nose. This isn't the kiddie pool!
* They've taken the very very cool idea of Gunkata and twisted it into a mockery
* Fight scenes that are so absurdly unrealistic that they have to portray it in closeups or off-camera to keep the audience from laughing
* Narrative style, which in this case means "random scenes jumbled together with no logic whatsoever"
* A building shaped like a biohazard symbol? C'mon! That's too dumb to be stylish!
* Likewise the building shaped like a needle, with a heliport in the eye. No!
* DID I MENTION THAT THEY STUCK NEEDLES IN HER FUCKING EYES?!?
* Bad bad BAD cosmetic fangs! I've owned better!
* The special effects at the end make it clear that everyone working on the movie had just given up
* IN HER FUCKING EYES!!!
* No ninjas

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
the_xtina
Mar. 16th, 2006 11:44 am (UTC)
I'd like to make it clear that my post last night about the fact that I no longer believe in God had nothing to do with the fact that we went to see Ultraviolet last night. I can easily see where one might assume a causal relationship between the two events, but I actually made the post before we went to the movie.

I knew I forgot to ask you something!!  *laughing*
nekidsteve
Mar. 16th, 2006 12:10 pm (UTC)
theres always ninjas man
datan0de
Mar. 16th, 2006 02:21 pm (UTC)
theres always ninjas man
Not this time. If there had been ninjas, they would've slaughtered most of the cast and crew to prevent the movie from being released.

Ninjas are cool like that.
nekidsteve
Mar. 17th, 2006 08:32 am (UTC)
mmm, good point
the_xtina
Mar. 16th, 2006 12:15 pm (UTC)
And... you have seen Dr. McNinja, yes?
datan0de
Mar. 16th, 2006 02:21 pm (UTC)
Oh, of course! Thanks for thinking of me, though!
queenwench
Mar. 16th, 2006 01:24 pm (UTC)
Are there any monkeys?

I knew it looked that craptastic when I saw the previews. Been rushing to miss that movie ;)
datan0de
Mar. 16th, 2006 02:24 pm (UTC)
No monkeys, unless you count the hormonal fanbois like me who went solely on the (thankfully not entirely vain) hope of seeing some nice skin.

Frankly, if Milla Jovovich doesn't do it for you then the movie has precious little to offer.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )