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Coming Out

Neural
Today is National Coming Out Day, which seems as good a time as any, so here goes (in my usual long-winded, low-payoff fashion):

It's no secret that this year, and the last 4 months in particular, have been traumatic for me. Things are improving, though. Where I was drowning in depression before, I now seem to be merely wading in it.

Believe me, this is a big improvement! It's also been a very puzzling and unpredictable journey. As I first began to have moments of having my head above water, I noticed that a lot of seemingly random things were shifting and changing within me. Some of them are fairly superficial: I still like hummus, but it's no longer the be-all-end-all food that it used to be (pumpkin seems to have taken its place). Some are more fundamental: my whole outlook on human interaction (and relationships in particular) has moved to a place of at least trying to at all times maximize kindness in the world. This isn't a radical departure from my Utilitarian viewpoint, but I think it's significant in practice.

It seemed like every time my head bobbed above the surface I was finding something new. New musical tastes. New perspectives. New habits. And eventually, a new sexual orientation.

This blew me away. I've been roughly a 0.5 on the Kinsey scale for my entire adult life. Waking up one day and finding myself at a 2 (bisexual, but leaning more toward heterosexual) freaked me out more than a little. I've known that orientation can shift throughout one's life, but knowing that intellectually and having it happen to oneself, and suddenly no less, was still shocking. I mean really?? Can it happen because of trauma? It's not like anything that's happened would reasonably create any kind of aversive response to women or positive response to men. Like hummus and pumpkin, it seems completely random and unrelated. I asked my therapist and did some research on my own and found that yes, it can and does happen.

Freaky.

*deep breath* So there you go. I've already told the Horde of course, along with a few others here and there. It's been a total non-event so far. This, at least, is not a surprise, but I've still been nervous every time I've broached the subject. I don't know if this is something that will shift further or shift back as my recovery continues, but I suppose that's part of the "fun" of rebirth, right?

Besides, there are whole genres of porn that I can now look at with new appreciation. ;-)

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
terriaminute
Oct. 12th, 2013 02:32 am (UTC)
I am JEALOUS. But not jealous enough to suffer what you have. :)

I have always maintained that people who are attracted to more kinds of people are to be envied, and I do! Women are pretty to me, and soft, and fun. But I still prefer men. No happy shift for me (yet)!
moonshadowdance
Oct. 12th, 2013 11:16 am (UTC)
Thanks for sharing!

So you have gone greedy! (;D) Congrats!!!! Maybe one day I will shift and be greedy too!

Miss you!
Hugs!
james_the_evil1
Oct. 13th, 2013 06:07 am (UTC)
So the ages-long dream many of us have cherished of seeing you & Tacit resolve your long-simmering feud in a bout of sweaty man-sex may finally come true???
serolynne
Oct. 19th, 2013 05:08 pm (UTC)
I hardly check LJ at all anymore.. and just wanted to say its good to hear from you. I don't know any of the details of what your recent experience have entailed, but do grok the important part - you've been up against some very tough stuff. For that, I extend my empathy and am glad you are able to see the bright spots too.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )