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Closure

Phoenix
I suck at giving up - on people, on relationships, on dreams. That's not a "boast in disguise". I've suffered mightily for it, and lately the people I love have also. But when, finally, the last bit of hope is taken away, I can still be an optimist about life in general and about the future in particular.

It may not be the future I'd planned, the future I was working so hard to build, or the future I'd hoped for, but I am still the architect of my world, and I can make my world fucking awesome.

Doctor Who Optimist

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
zandperl
Sep. 14th, 2013 03:13 am (UTC)
You're a futurist. By definition you are hopeful and an optimist. :) There's always a better future available just over the horizon.

Good to see you back here, even if only briefly. LJ allows so much more in-depth thought/conversation than does Twitter. I'll admit Tw is so much easier though. :-P
datan0de
Sep. 14th, 2013 01:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :-) Over the last year, and the last three months in particular, I lost connection with that part of myself.

Sadder but wiser now (I hope), I'm an optimist again, though not in the same way I was before. I'd been letting life happen to me, deriving optimism from trust in the intentions, integrity, and kindness of those around me. That failed spectacularly, multiple times, and with ever-increasing consequences.

I'm trying not to let myself become jaded by the experience, but at the same time I'm shifting to a realization that partners (and people as a whole) are generally good, well-intentioned, and ethical, rather than depending upon a belief that they will always be so. I'm also getting back to a place where I'm the driver of my life instead of a passenger.

It still hurts - a lot, every day - and every indication is that it always will. But I'm adapting to my new understanding of reality, and discovering that I still have reasons to get up in the morning. Some of those reasons are truly amazing. :-)

(Sorry, didn't mean to get all introspective on you. I probably should've made this its own post, rather than a reply to you.)
zandperl
Sep. 16th, 2013 03:23 am (UTC)
*nods* I too prefer to assume good intentions. I'd rather be the sort of person who makes that assumption than the opposite, and as an added bonus I find that making that assumption often influences people sitting on the fence to *actually* act in well-intentioned ways. Of everything I learned in being a union leader, that's both the most underhanded manipulative thing, and also the most useful and generous thing at the same time.
terriaminute
Sep. 14th, 2013 05:34 pm (UTC)
This is my favorite post ever, and that is saying something. Welcome back, fellow optimist. :) I knew you were still in there somewhere!

Here is a thought: A life without trials leaves you merely your original collection of elements. A life with trials turns you into tougher alloys, better able to deal with future trials without so much trauma, better able to handle loads you'd never have tolerated were it not not for the forge of GODDAMN LEARNING EXPERIENCES- er, trials. It is correct to appreciate the strength while hating how you gained it. Those are separate facets of the same diamond.
datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:25 am (UTC)
I'm glad you never gave up on me. :-)

Unfortunately, I don't think that this experience has made me stronger. Quite the opposite, actually. To carry your metaphor, I may now be built of better alloys, but metal fatigue has left me with permanent fragile points and stress fractures. I may be a kinder person when all is said and done, but I'm not a stronger one. Or a happier one.

Edited at 2013-09-17 02:25 am (UTC)
terriaminute
Sep. 17th, 2013 12:36 pm (UTC)
Your strengths won't be apparent for awhile yet. I can sense them. To continue this imagery: I see the re-bar and the revealed circuitry through the temporary protective covers. I see significant progress, important steps have already been taken.

Being vulnerable is not a weakness, (I know you know that), and will be invaluable once the rest of your new structure cures.

This isn't a 3D printer process, which is slow enough. This is a shatter and melt and add and subtract and reform and hone and carve and polish kind of deal. It takes too long, subjectively. Being broken is harsh. No one wanted that. Everyone's been affected, the blast crater is still quite visible; those two sets of chemicals should never have tried to combine in their then-current states. The entire landscape is changed.

But look! The original structure! It's still there! Man, that is a wicked strong set of bonds! And once all the wreckage is dealt with, it looks like it will be even more beautiful. Remarkable!

As for happiness, well. There is no reason you should feel happier. A Very Bad Thing happened that brought you zero joy. Mourning is justified and required, a part of this entire process. This part varies so much from one experience to another that I have no guesses as to when or even if it might "end". What you are doing is what you should be doing, learning how to live with it, without it ruling your every breath and heartbeat. I see progress.

Do you know what strikes me currently? Your ability to say "No" at work. That's big. That's enormous. It takes a lot of personal time to process through all this crap -er, important life change stuff. Working all the time takes away from that and stalls progress. So: YAY!
datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:01 pm (UTC)
Wow... I... wow. This moved me to the edge of tears. Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough. >>ALL THE HUGS!!<<
terriaminute
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:19 pm (UTC)
YAY HUGS!!! :D Collecting in person tomorrow at dinner!!!
james_the_evil1
Sep. 14th, 2013 06:07 pm (UTC)
Stay strong man. I've given up, so you're already way ahead of me. :)
moonshadowdance
Sep. 16th, 2013 02:07 pm (UTC)
What they said! Hugs and love!
datan0de
Sep. 17th, 2013 02:26 am (UTC)
Hugs right back!! You are missed!
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )