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SPREAD THE WORD!!

Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell every stranger you meet.

Indiana Jones sucked. A lot.

Seriously. It's really bad. It's almost Uwe Boll bad. If George Lucas lived in Tampa I'd be egging his house right now instead of typing this post. Put in Lucasian terms, this makes Episode One look like American Graffiti. The story was contrived even by Indiana Jones standards, and not in the fun, campy style of the rest of the series.

Let me be clear here. I'm not a harsh movie critic (Terminator franchise notwithstanding). I'm not the guy who hates everything and enjoys talking trash about every movie. I'm generally very easy to please when it comes to movies. I'm easily amused, and can usually turn my brain off and just enjoy a good brainless action/adventure flick. This movie made me mad. I feel like I've been duped and insulted.

The best things about seeing this movie were getting to hold femetal's hand, the hot chick in the short miniskirt two rows behind us, and some brief banter amongst the victims audience members. Oh, and my Twizzlers were fresh. The best thing that was actually on the screen was the trailer for Hancock.

BTW, there's nothing extra after the credits, so there's no point sitting through them except for the signature John Williams music. There's not much worth sitting through before the credits either.

EDIT: For the record, I'd gotten an SMS message from zensidhe letting me know that he hated the movie, but I had not read his post when I wrote this one.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
uberbeff
May. 23rd, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)
Oh thank god! Someone else I can rant with!!

Some coworkers and I went to the 12:01am showing last night. Insulted is the exact same way I summed up my experience as well. The story was absurdly predictable and ridiculous to the point that it was impossible to suspend reality enough to be able to get into it even a little bit. I gave up all hope at the 'swinging thru the trees with the monkeys' scene. It had me holding my head, almost in pain. Someone should slap misters Spielburg and Lucas with a 2x4, and then gimmie back my $9.

The only redeaming quality the film had was that tiny 2 second glance of the ark. I saw the boxes and was all "Oooo! I know this place!" x) Oh, and the ending animation sequence where the city was destroyed was pretty spiffy too. And Shia LaBeouf *purrr*! Other than that, crap. You got lucky with your audience. I was hoping to hear that I wasn't the only one suffering, but everyone in our theater behaved themselves and kept their mouths shut.

I've already agreed to go see it with my parents. The sad thing is I will get more entertainment out of not warning my mom before the ant scene (so i can watch her freak out) than I will watching the movie.
slouchinphysics
May. 23rd, 2008 02:48 pm (UTC)
I'm not touching the magnet thing though one of the characters does point out that gold is not magnetic at one point.... What the fuck folks!

But really I was prepared to forgive a lot. To just enjoy the good moments and hang out with some old friends. I was doing pretty good. I was digging that one of my old homies was the villain, I miss you draga. I was holding back the hate then the fucking flying frisbee of fail shows up.

At this point the damn in my heart holding back the hate burst. A veritable flood of angry poured out and I wanted to rip the neck beard of of George Lucas and chock Speilberg with it.

I'm slouchinphysics and I'm filled with nerd rage.
nekidsteve
May. 23rd, 2008 03:20 pm (UTC)
chicks in mini skirts are teh awesome
merenwentari
May. 23rd, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for saving us the money we would have wasted on this turkey.

And not even a fried turkey, at that.

You are our savior, putting yourself out there on the frontlines of moviegoing ninjadom -- sacrificing yourself for us all.

p.s. Pirates Rule Ninjas Drool - just sayin'

Edited at 2008-05-23 04:00 pm (UTC)
dluke001
Jun. 16th, 2008 04:27 am (UTC)
Gotta be different
So I saw the movie this afternoon. I liked it; it was no Raiders of the Lost Ark or anything, but it was good. Some of the scenes were over the top (vine swinging and the ants, especially) but look at the source material. We're talking '50s B-movie material here. Vine swinging: Tarzan; ants: monster movies; aliens & flying saucer: sci-fi movies; Russians: duh. Yes, liberties were taken with some physics; that's true with most movies then (and now) so I could overlook that to a degree. We just found it to be a fun movie to watch. I'd been looking forward to it for a while, and I don't feel disappointed at all.

Also keep in mind the original title was Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars, so it could've been worse.
datan0de
Jun. 16th, 2008 12:21 pm (UTC)
Re: Gotta be different
Honestly, if they had called it Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars I would've been more comfortable with the ending because at least then it wouldn't have been such an enormous departure from the expectations that one takes into an Indiana Jones movie.

Believe me, I get the inspiration behind the IJ movies, and I truly enjoy the over-the-top campiness of the genre (believe me- I have some original Flash Gordon serials on DVD, as well as The Phantom Empire with Gene Autry). The problem is that this exceeded the boundaries that have been fairly well established for the IJ "universe".

Lemme 'splain. We saw The Incredible Hulk this weekend. It wasn't brilliant, but it was a fun movie and we really enjoyed it. Among other weirdness, there's a scene where it's made absolutely clear that when Banner turns into The Hulk his body mass goes up enormously. This is a complete violation of the laws of physics (unless he's compressing air into green muscle!), but doesn't bother me a bit because that's exactly the sort of thing that happens in the Marvel universe. It's far-fetched, but it's playing within the boundaries that they've established.

In the Indiana Jones universe there are also some things that we've come to expect- Indy has incredible luck, his whip skills are ninja-like, ancient people constructed elaborate trap mechanisms using primitive materials that survive for millennia, and religious relics can incinerate entire armies. The scene with the ants, absurd though it was, fit into this. Likewise with Shia LaBeouf's duel while straddling two cars and his Tarzan antics. They fit within the believability boundaries for that universe. But they cross the boundary when LaBeouf was able to catch up to the cars by vine-swinging, Indy was able to survive being blown miles by a nuclear detonation and walk away, refrigerators protect against radiation, and the inconsistent application of "creative magnetics". And even in a world with wraiths and a guy who pulls people's hearts out of their chests, the sudden appearance of a spacecraft was much too jarring to suspend disbelief. It was as if Gandalf suddenly appeared on Battlestar Galactica and cast a spell to make the Cylons go away.

Oh, and the Russians were worse marksmen than Cobra soldiers. Why even issue them firearms in the first place? And don't get me started on continuity errors. Okay, I'll quit now before I launch into a full-fledged rant. :-)
dluke001
Jun. 19th, 2008 04:03 am (UTC)
Re: Gotta be different
I think we're just going to have to disagree on this. Yes, there were outrageous, "no way that can ever happen" moments. I can't deny that. But I didn't feel those detracted from my enjoyment of the movie. I'd see it again, just to catch the stuff I know I missed. I'm certain there were more SW references than just the "I've got a bad feeling about this" line, and I'd like to find them.

"Oh, and the Russians were worse marksmen than Cobra soldiers."

You know, you can compare the Russians to stormtroopers, I won't be offended. Cobra soldiers never actually gunned anyone down (AFAIK), either on screen or off. Stormtroopers, on the other hand, slaughtered jawas and ewoks (not that the latter is a bad thing) and did hit some rebel scum occasionally. The Russians in the film did perform a reduction in force of an indian tribe, which shows their skill over Cobra.

I can't believe I just compared the accuracy and ruthlessness of Cobra, Russians, and stormtroopers. Wow.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
Hi I'm new here
I've recently joined and wanted to introduce myself :)
datan0de
Aug. 4th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
Re: Hi I'm new here
Who are you? Most people who post anonymously in my journal are spammers, and you haven't actually introduced yourself.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )